I am Sorry

     Sorry is a strange word.  For some it's  easy to utter, yet to others, it's  the LAST word they will ever use.  I have found myself on the end of being able to say it easily.  Almost too much.  I'm  apologizing for simple things, like being in someone's  way in the grocery store isle, or coughing or sneezing when in public.  I have become a slave to the word almost.  It owns me.  I overuse it.  Often, when I am full of sorrow and remorse it feels as though a simple "I'm  sorry" isn't  adequate.   People sometimes don't  believe  me  when I say it sincerely.  There are times when my heart is aching because of a wrong doing, and I want to find a sufficient word to express my sorrow.  To me, simply saying "I'm  sorry" doesn't  seem sincere enough.  I wish there were a stronger English word I could use to express my anguish or despair.    Perhaps  I need to just use the word less?  But then, I feel I'd  miss out on countless opportunities  to  heal or be forgiven. 
Here is where I get uptight...and it really makes NO sense.  There are people in  my  life that refuse to apologize  for  anything.  It's  too hard for them to utter those words.  It's a pride thing for them.   It's  so frustrating  for me because it's  easier to not be angry with someone  if they see the error of their ways & simply say "sorry".   I don't  understand  why  many people won't  let their heart take control and merely apologize  when they're  wrong.   Interestingly, those types of people are the ones I  believe MOST when they humble themselves  and  muster up enough courage to apologize.   Probably  because it's  a word they seldom use, but more likely because it's  sincere. 
     When I  was young, my Dad would occasionally  apologize (to us kids) for some things  he said or did when he was wrong.  I  had more respect for him BECAUSE  he was humble enough to see when he was wrong & attempt to make things better.   I never saw him as a weak man who sought forgiveness  when he made a mistake, but rather a HERO.  He taught me that tremendous repair could be made with others by using simple sincere words. 
     Recently  I  have  hurt many of my loved ones with some wrong choices.  These choices have consequences  that may keep those I love from loving me back.  I  can say sorry, but again, it's  not  enough.  I'm  lost for adequate words to express my deepest sorrow.  I'm  pretty sure being sorry is more of an action word.  In order for others to accept an apology, they must feel it is real, and then see that the poor choice is never repeated.    I'm  ready to make amends  where needed.  I know I use the words "I'm  sorry" more frequently  than others, but I truly am sorry to those I have hurt, forsaken or betrayed.  It's  possible  I may never receive  their forgiveness.   I just know that I  am  human, & I make human mistakes.  I'm  not  afraid to let others know my heart.  Until there's  another English word that describes better how I feel, I'm  sorry, but I will  have to keep using those 2 words.  (See what I did there?) 

Birthday Schmurthday!

Today was my birthday.  Quite uneventful  by any standard.   Most years I would get breakfast in bed, a nice birthday meal, homemade  gifts from the kids,  and always... cake!  This year, nothing.  The kids were consumed in taking advantage  of  the  last day of summer because school begins tomorrow.  So, it was a "pity party" for me.  I went to my room and took a long nap.  Before the day was through,  I  got a call from my youngest  brother.   He encouraged me to  cheer up, love myself & my life...and to focus on being thankful for my Mom who went through  labor 20  (or so) years ago.  Calling Mom was just what I  needed!  Afterall,  without  her, I'd  have NO birthday  to celebrate.   She is who I should celebrate and thank each year on my birthday.  What a blessing she is!  I "spose" you could say it was one of my best birthdays, except for not having cake...